Friday, January 29, 2010

What to say..

It's been a while and I am just now able to get on my blog. So, here I am. You know those moments when your brain is so full that you can't possibly get it all out so you don't even know how to start? Ya this is one of those times. Life here is just.. different. I don't have generalities to give because I haven't wrapped my mind around it all yet. It isn't good, bad, easy, difficult.. It just is.

Something I have realized here is that you can't escape, no matter how far you go. Escape was not and is not my purpose, but I think I did come here with the expectation that some of my unresolved issues would just push themselves under a rug because I'm doing a "good thing" here. But that's not exactly the case. Doubts, fears, insecurities, expectations- they follow you (in this case, me) wherever you (I) go. It's just one more way that I'm being shown that my heart is so much more important than my feet. If I'm not pursuing the truth, I might as well just go home.

Don't misunderstand my heart. I am so glad to be here, and there are amazing things going on all around me (and in me, as well). I can't wait to see more. I just feel like right now, I am being shown that no matter where I am, all of me comes. The good, the bad, and the ugly.

On a more random note.. I need open heart surgery, and all I ever dare to ask for is a smiley-faced bandaid. What's up with that?

Friday, January 8, 2010

I Can't Speak Chinese!

OK so the big day is less than a week away and I've had some realizations.. first of all, I can't speak Chinese. Apparently this isn't as big of a problem as I thought before because English is pretty popular, but I'm still slightly apprehensive (ok, giving myself too much credit) about it. My list of things to do has taken up almost 2 pages in my journal.. shop, pack, power of attorney, last round of shots, give PT her water bottle.. and the list goes on and on.

In case someone actually reads this thing and is wondering, YES I am very nervous. But also very excited! And overwhelmed by everything. I'm beginning to think there's a drama queen living somewhere deep inside me that likes to come out when I'm stressed. I'd like her to stay in her corner because she annoys me (and probably alot of people who have to hear her rantings).

On another note, Mom's taking me to get my toenails done tomorrow and I'm pretty excited. First, because it's like a year overdue.. second, because it's much needed me-and-mom time. She's starting to worry about everything, so it'll be good to spend the day with her helping me get prepared and do my last-minute supply shopping.